cry me a river

**warning: this is a very whiny lengthy vent**

I've been in a funk lately and have been considering an entry to get it off my chest but I've never really been a fan of airing out my laundry. I'm private like that. Since this has mentally been draining me for a month so far, I figure a post just might let my mind let it go for the night.

Early Q1 of this year, I had to take a huuuuuge paycut at work. I had survived the two rounds of layoffs that had been done the year prior. It was meant to be a temporary thing - just through Q2 and then we'd be back 100% with a retro pay of the $$ missed. Sounded like a good plan. Something that I could support. I should preface that I really like my company. Sure every office has its issues and nothing is perfect about this one. I'm not trying to sugarcoat but it's a family friendly company, for the 3.5 years I've been there - it's a work hard and be rewarded mentality. I like it. I knew taking one for the team would eventually run its course and I'd be back 100%. Small price to pay when the unemployment rate is through the roof. Sure it sucks but life isn't always peachy. What's that saying? This, too, shall pass. And frankly, we weren't given an option. Ridiculous% pay cut for everyone across the board.

So we're rounding the corner to seeing a year of these said paycuts. We've adjusted the budgets, we're used to it by now. Thankfully we live well within our means, we're not going without. Sure the HI trip has been postponed and that remodel is on the back burner. But regular ol' life is good, as usual.

Well, it's not. anymore. I've been moved to part time on a part time salary. I'm feeling a pinch and I don't like it. I haven't seen paychecks this size since, well ever. All I think about are the days of yore.
I've always provided. For myself when I was single. For us two, when it was just the two of us. And my contributions to the family of three. I've worked hard and supported myself since I got my first job. It's an independence thing that I just need. Yes. It's a need. My brain is just wired this way. I wish I could turn it off or even down just a bit. We're fine. We'll always be fine. I just have been losing sleep over this. I'm not sure if I'm sad because it's a blow to my ego or if it's because I feel that I'm letting down the family because I'm not contributing what I was or am capable of. Not everything is measured by dollar signs, I realize. I just can't put my finger on my exact feelings. It's just such a bad time to a) be looking for a job and b) not wanting the change. Perhaps it is a comfort level or I'm realizing that I like where I'm at more than I'll fess up to on a regular day. I just don't want to be job hunting. The very thought makes me nauseous.

For now, I'm trying to enjoy my time off with F. We're hitting up story time at the library, walks, swings and slides. It is fun! I really love the stage she's at - she's full of kisses and hugs and telling stories and getting into all kinds of trouble. It really is the best right now.

I don't know what this post was supposed to accomplish and if you made it this far, I commend you and thank you for your ears - or eyes, I suppose. I'm hoping to be back to my wiseass self asap.


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